Graves Library of Vul

[August 24, 2024, The Court House in Tumut, New South Wales, Australia. At 3:06 PM in Australia Eastern Time, the temperature is 32 degrees Celsius, or 90 degrees Fahrenheit. 70-year-old Judge Archer Cambell enters the courtroom with a calm, no-nonsense face. He is followed by 45-year-old Arlo Phillips, the prosecutor’s lawyer, and 38-year-old Eleanor Brown, who represents the defendant. It was not until 3:48 that the prosecutor, 32-year-old Katy Taylor, made her way into the room, saddling her husband, Tarrant Taylor.] 

[Judge Cambell insists I make it clear for the record that saddled is not a euphemism, Katy Taylor was riding on top of Tarrant Taylor due to the fact that allegedly Mr.Taylor was turned into a horse by the defendant, 85-year-old Jirra Kelly during a trip she had made to Huston Texas on June 14, 2024. The case was decided to be held here as the defendant is a native Australian, and a jail cell is not a fitting place for an old woman. The final transcript of my court report is more filled out. (as you can see by my inclusion of the letter i) to prevent confusion for the United States courts.]

[5:48 Jirra Kelly finally made her way into the courtroom. She was dragged into the building by a local bounty hunter who had to hunch all the way down to hold her by the arms as Ms. Kelly stood at 4’2. I do not envy the bounty hunter’s back nor his ears as the old lady shouted obscenities that were heard from the front door. The obscenities were so loud that it startled Tarrant Taylor, who stood on all fours from the seat that was too small for his body. Startled he kicked the chair into the air conditioner, breaking it. Katy Taylor then rubbed his head and nibbled on his ear, calming him down with hushed words I would rather not imagine or assume the contents of.]

Jirra:              This room is too hot! Have you liberals ever heard of air conditioning?!? I bet an American 

                       courtroom would have AC!

[Jirra rattled and shook in the bounty hunter’s arms until he put her in a chair and handcuffed her. Her lawyer Eleanor Brown grabbed a comb and tried to manage the old woman’s unkempt hair, but she insisted it be kept a matted mess.]

Jirra:             Can we get the AC fixed before we start? I can’t recall things so well in this heat. What if I 

                      misremember an important bit of the case?

[Jirra asks as she offers puppy eyes to Judge Campell, who rolls his eyes in response.]

Judge:           We would be here all day getting the AC fixed, Ms. Kelly. You will simply have to endure.

[Eleanor Brown grabbed a small fan from her purse, hoping to compensate for this. Jirra sighed as a clink could be heard from her handcuffs, which had fallen to the floor. She then made her way to the air conditioner. The woman makes her hand into a fist and blows the bottom of it before hitting the air conditioner like a jukebox, causing the machine to work despite the fact that there is a foldable chair impaled in the machine. The room is astonished as Jirra takes a brisk pace to enter her chair again. The lawyers wipe their eyes, making sure that they saw that right. Judge Campbell then bangs his mallet.]

Judge:            That was a nice trick, but if we may start the court proceeding. We are already two hours behind schedule after trying to find a vehicle to transport the Taylors. Not to mention your attempt to flee the city on a moped. Do you have anything to say about your actions?

Jirra:              I was merely enjoying my last ride as a free woman. Who cares how fast I was going? You know~ life tends to pass you by if you take things slow.

Judge:            This isn’t about how fast you were going when our bounty hunter, who shall remain anonymous, caught you. Additionally, during my years as a judge, I have never accepted a bribe or made a blatant attempt at seduction, and I do not plan to do so now.

[Jirra slams her hand on the table.]

Jirra:               Blimey! Then what is this for?” 

Judge:            For your alleged transmogrification of Tarrant Taylor. Who has been flown to Tumut for the trial along with his wife.

Jirra:               Is that illegal? 

Arlo:               Not officially, though we are hoping to try you for aggravated assault and unlicensed surgery. If we are lucky, we will set a precedent worldwide for the ban on nonconsensual transmogrifications.

Jirra:              That will do it. I suppose it’s a shame we’re not in your home country, where we could make a self-defense case. Right, Ms.Brown?

Eleanor:        Ma’am, I am a native Australian just like you. The only Americans here are the Taylors.

Jirra:             Oh… Well, I was banking on getting a freedom of speech argument, so toodles.

[Jirra says as with the roll of her wrist, a portal opens up, causing Ms. Brown to fall through the floor. In her place a heavy-set American in a cowboy hat and suit flies up in the same portal. The portal closes, and he falls on his face while Jirra looks through Ms. Browns purse and pockets her lawyer’s phone and some hard candy.]

Average Weight American: What in tarnation, how, what, why? I was just in the middle of an important case. I was just about to prove my client’s innocence. How did I get here?” 

Judge:           The defendant, Jirra Kelly, has summoned you after not finding her lawyer to be satisfactory. Please state your name for the stenographer.

[Judge Campbell says as he points his mallet at me. I wave, and the new defendant waves back. His eyes widened upon seeing Tarrant being petted by his wife.] 

Mike:              Um… It’s Mike, Mike Rodney. What is up with the horse?

Arlo:                That horse is the defendant Tarrant Taylor. Address him as such!

Mike:              … Okay, well, I’m sorry I cannot be her defendant. I already have a client. Now, if you call my wife, she can pick me up from… wherever we are. I’m assuming we’re still in Texas cause that AC is cranked to the max. How is it still running if there is a chair in it?” 

Arlo:               You’re not in Kansas anymore, you’re in New South Wales.

Mike:               Where’s that? The UK?

Arlo:               Australia, typical American. I’m not surprised that you don’t know basic geography, especially if it’s not the home of the U.S.A.

[Katy coughs as the moron Arlo looks at her and her glare. Tarrant stops his hoof on the ground and slides it across the tile like he’s about to charge. Arlo rubs the back of his head embarrassed. Mike repeats the motion, unsure.]

Mike:              Well… if that’s the case, then I’ll have to find a way to pay for a ticket back home. Too bad I left my wallet at home.

Katy:              Why don’t you just use Apple Pay?

Mike:              I have no idea how that works. My daughter has to explain it to me. Each time I just stare at the register till the clerk tells me what to do.

Judge:            Well, tell you what, your client here has already made a strong case against herself for abducting you. Just do your best to defend her, and we’ll take you back to the States with the Taylors.

Mike:              Alright, I guess I’ll see what I can do.

[Arlo quivers his lips about to fuss like a baby and whines]

Arlo:               Hey, he’s not from here! He doesn’t know how Australian laws work. Don’t you think it’s irresponsible to let someone like him defend Jirra, given America’s reputation for how they treat their witches and natives?

Jirra:              Am I Gundungurra or Ngunnawal?

Arlo:              Well, obviously Gundungurra, given all the Ngunnawal were wiped out. That’s what the documents say and they’re never wrong.

[Jirra laughs at him. She nearly falls to the floor out of her chair until Judge Campbell bangs his mallet.]

Judge:            Mr. Phillip’s hypocrisy notwithstanding, let us get on with the case. Mr. Phillip, call upon your first witness.

Arlo:               Got it, the prosecutor would like to call Mr. Taylor to the stand!

[ Arlo turning his body rapidly and pointing his arm out, stretching it past Mr. Taylors muzzle and poking him in the eye. He jumps up and down, kicking and neighing as his wife goes to his side and calms him down. Whispering more things that do more than just calm him down. Katy manages to get Tarrant Taylor to the stand and manages to cramp him in it. Arlo then looks at the horse directly.]

Arlo:               Mr. Taylor, you were a human man before the incident, correct?”

[Tarrant then stares at the man for a solid minute before leaning down and chewing on the microphone. The sounds of crunches command us to cover our ears and huddle. The microphone was too strong to break; we were left merciless to the horses’ cribbing. His wife drags him off the stage, and everyone breathes a sigh of relief.]

Judge:            Arlo, we’ll give you time to consider your next witness more carefully. Mr. Rodney, if you would like to call your witness forward early, please do so.

Mike:              Sure, Ms. Kelly, may you make your way over to the stand?

[Jirra sighs. She takes her sweet time to get to the stand, and Mike helps her along the way. Each time she swats him. Once in the stand, Mike clears his throat.]

 Mike:            Now, Ms. Kelly. The prosecutor says you were in the United States at the time of the incident.

Jirra:              Yes, I went to the United States to escape my pursuer. In fact, when I was caught by that bounty hunter, I was trying to escape the Mccoy again.

Mike:             Who is this Mccoy you are referring to? What’s his first name?

Arlo:               Objection! The Mccoy is nothing more than a fairy tale!

Jirra:              I assure you that the Mccoy is quite real, I’ve seen it’s long, thin arms mangle and fold the bodies of other witches. The former dark mage is certainly on the hunt for the likes of me. It keeps tapping at my windows at night. It is an expert mage killer and has been for many centuries.

Mike:              Okay, Okay, assuming that’s true, which, given the circumstances, it might just as well be. You then went to the United States to escape it. How did you end up in Texas?

Jirra:              Well, I went to Salem to pay my respects to the witches who were burned there. Then I was listening to the news and heard that Texas was running out of water. I figured that darn frog Tiddalik had to have sucked up all the water again. I went to warn the frog man, Alex Jones, about his plans and how he was teaching the firehawk raptors to burn down the forest in Australia. They must have made their way to California and needed to be stopped.

Mike:              So you went to America to escape a former mage turned mage murderer. Then, while there, you decided to tell Alex Jones about some tiddy-da-lick you believed was soaking up all the water. Did you meet the prosecutors on the way there?

Jirra:              Yes, yes, I was stopping to people watch. Americans are so wholesome, they’re chonkers like my fat cat Higgy. Such a good kitty, shame the cassowaries got him. Anyway, I was going to get some ice cream when Tarrant was being quite rude. He was causing quite a ruckus and telling the boy at the register that his wife shouldn’t get any ice cream so she can “watch her figure,” which I didn’t like. He was the chonkiest of all other Americans, so it was just enough mass to turn him into a horse, which I did after he knocked my ice cream over. I swear he was the rudest person I have ever met. Not like the rest of you Americans, so nice and polite.

Mike:              So you admit you turned him into a horse.

Jirra:               It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure that out. Besides, I ain’t really worried about prison. It can’t hold me. Mwahahaha

Arlo:              That may be true, but I have one more witness to call! I call Ms. Taylor to the stand!

[Katy goes to the stand and sits down, not making any fuss. Just ready for this day to end.]

Arlo:               Now, Ms.Taylor, you have been rather upset with your husband’s transformation, yes?

Katy:              Actually, I have been rather happy with the change. He doesn’t threaten to hit me and is far more attentive. It’s been a delight to have him home and cuddle up to instead of wondering how much he spends on booze at the bar. Besides, our nights together have definitely spiced up. Honestly, I wasn’t going to press charges. I mainly did this for the expense-paid trip to Australia. It is a very nice country outside of your restrictive airports.

[Arlo looks dumbfounded and blushes in embarrassment. The Judge looks annoyed at her misuse of taxpayer money. Jirra coughed and raised her hand.]

Jirra:               I have some bad news that I think needs to be shared. That horse isn’t your husband. Your husband had a white spot on his chest, that horse doesn’t.

Katy:              W-what? You’re making that up.

Jirra:              Nah, not right now. I think they got swapped out when he tried to gallop away and crashed into that tour carriage. I meant to bring that up, but it looks like you two were having fun. Didn’t know you two were having too much fun. [gags]

Katy:              Arlo, you have to call the carriage company! I-I need to make sure that lady is just senile. I didn’t do I- I didn’t know! I’m not a freak!

[Katy hyperventilates as recess starts, and they manage to find the carriage company that could have held her husband. Judge Campbell answers the phone.]

Judge:            A-huh, yep. Yes, he was the one with the white spot. He couldn’t walk and tried to bite an old lady. You had to put him down? I see, well, given the circumstances, I would have done the same.

[The judge says as he sets the phone down. Katy is on the brink of tears as the horse formerly believed to be Tarrant licks the top of her head.]

Katy:              Can we get him cremated?

Judge:            I’m sorry, ma’am, your husband’s remains have turned into glue. No doubt he is in the mouth of a kindergartener by now.

[Judge Campbell takes off his wig and places it on his chest in respect as Katy mourns. Jirra then uses her magic to fade away, no doubt off to cause havoc another day.]