Graves Library of Vul

September 21st, 2024, at the United States hidden research lab in Sandpoint Idaho, General Bill Hall walks into the base. The local newspaper is in his hand as he balances his hot chocolate in the other. The man rushes through the crowd of quantum physicists as he makes a sharp turn and nearly collides with Hugo Pacheco. Aka the local janitor who had just finished cleaning up a coffee spill on a desk that contained what used to be a blueprint for teleportation. The sudden stop of General Hall causes some of his hot chocolate to leap out and reclaim the stain on the table. Hugo sighs as he cleans up the stain once again.

“ Sorry about that Hugo I am in a rush. Dr. Pasak Simon said that today will be a day to remember,” General Hall said with a cheeky smile as he moved his hot chocolate closer to Hugo almost pointing at the man.

The steam fogs up Hugo’s glasses as he looks at the General unamused. After a few seconds of silence Hugo speaks, “Señor Hall, de nuevo, no… hablo o comprehender…inglés.”

The general laughs and bends over slapping his knee. The vibrations transfer through the man’s fat to his other hand where more hot chocolate falls on the stain. “ Man, I love your one-liners, Hugo. You should go into comedy,” Says General Hall.

“ Hugo stop distracting the general! There is an important broadcast that he needs to see,” Dr. Simon says in a clingy tone as his bedhead hair covers his eyes.

General Hall walks over there as Hugo sighs in relief. Once General Hall is across the crowd of people he sees Dr. Simon bent over at his computer with a long string of numbers generating from his computer screen. General Hall looks at the text with amusement unsure as to what they mean. He just admires the stimulation like a baby with keys.

Dr. Simon snaps his fingers and gets the general’s attention as he then speaks, “General this is the most complex code that has ever existed on Earth. With the help of our supercomputers, I was able to make an algorithm to translate it. The language is unlike anything we have ever seen before. We believe that it came from space or another dimension. This could be the first contact I figured you would want to be the first one to hear it.”

“ Brown noser,” General Hall says while coughing into his elbow with his hot chocolate arm causing some to fly into his nose.

“ What was that sir?” Dr. Simon asks beating his eyes for the misheard compliment.

“ Nothing, uh… play that message right away doctor,” General Hall orders.

Dr. Simon pressed the button as the supercomputer began to transmute the message to something the humans could understand. The room turns 10 degrees hotter as the computers run on full power to get the message of the otherworldy beings across. Dr. Simon bounces in his chair unable to contain his excitement while General Hall daydreams about the promotion he will get for this discovery. A promotion that will pay him so well he can finally afford that sailboat he’s always wanted. The room is deafened by the roar of the machines as the people go silent.

Suddenly a piercing ringing is heard that sounds like glass shattering in reverse as a long inhale and a longer exhale is heard. The pause feels like an eternity when finally the alien Bigelli speaks, “ Do you think Earth fell off after World War Two?”

“ Yeah… the Vietnam war was interesting but I was more interested in the subplots going on like Woodstock, or when that colony of ants from Flordia overthrew their queen in 2004. Honestly, Earth kinda jumped the shark after 9/11. That changed everything, especially with that internet thing. It’s so annoying how many interesting people they introduce to it and do nothing with. Like whatever happened to Filthy Frank?” the alien known as Zip Zomp says.

“ He became the singer Joji,” says Bigelli as the sound of him taking another hit from his tesseract is being heard while the humans look at each other trying to find what emotion they should be perceiving.

Hugo’s hands began to shake as his chest heaves trying to physically process the reality. He is unable to shut his eyes as they feel like they are drying from the shock. His hands slap his cheeks as he exclaims, “Madre Mia! Me vida es una mentira!”

Once Hugo runs out everyone looks at him confused as Dr. Simon lets out a nervous chuckle, “ I guess the alien language translated itself to Spanish for Hugo… hehe how convenient… right boss?”

“ Huh, I didn’t know Hugo was tri-lingual,” General Hall responds as his eyes stare off into space.

“ Ah, yeah I remember now. Like I said they had too many characters to keep track of. Especially the humans, why did they think it was a good idea to have 8 million at once?!? What the hell were the writers thinking? I’m glad the wormwood and nuclear fimble winter caused by the Russians bombing the Thwaites glacier wiped most of them out in 2034,” Zip Zomp says.

“ Yeah that was really foreshadowed well with the lore, especially with the Hindu Kali Yuga,” says Bigelli.

“ Agreed, though I wish they didn’t have to rely on cameos to give lore. Like Zeus coming in and shipping himself with a lot of the characters he wrote while his wife scolded him? Kinda pervy if you asked me,” says Zip Zomp.

“ Yeah, I wished they did more cameos though. They kinda chickened out after a bunch of humans nailed Jesus to a cross. I mean the dude was fine three days later so it’s kinda weird they stopped,” Bigelli says.

“ It means they had a few more cameos like the Fonz,” Zip Zomp states.

“ I guess, hey who do you ship in the show?” Bigelli asks his friend.

“ Oh easy my OTP is David Neal and Rob French I don’t know what it is but I think they would make a good couple,” Zip Zomp says.

“ Eh, I see them more as friends. I mean they worked together during Supreme General Bill Hall’s new world order,” Bigelli says as everyone in the room stares at the to-be Supreme General who takes a minute to respond by stepping backward and nursing on his hot choclate.

“ Didn’t Dr. Pasak Simon overthrow him after poisoning his hot chocolate?” Zip Zomp asks causing the General to stop as he glares at Dr.Simon who gives a friendly wave to defuse the hostilities.

“ He did and then died 38 years later by public hanging in São Luís by Brazilian resistance fighters,” Bigelli explains as Dr.Simon stops waving and gives a side-eye glace at the translator.

“ Oh yeah! I remember that… I remember the scene where Pasak Simon was in hell. Man, he cried like a little girl after being impaled with 6 pitchforks covered in tetanus,” Zip Zomp says with a nostalgic laugh as Dr. Simon slowly turns off the transmission.

Dr. Simon looks at General Hall with tears in his eyes as he shakily takes off his glasses. “ Sir… I don’t want to go to Hell,” he says with a panicked breath that fuels his tears like a fan to a flame.

“ You don’t have to. I don’t have to become supreme general as long as that means you’ll stay my friend,” General Hall says with tears coming down from his eyes landing in his dumped-out hot chocolate.

“ You really mean that?” Dr. Simon asks as his eyes swell with tears. Slowly falling down due to the quiver of his lips.

“ I do, come here you cry baby!” General Hall says opening his arms.

Dr. Simon gets up from his seat and hugs him as the room erupts in confused cheers. Dr. Simon then exits the embrace and adjusts his glasses, “ Wait a second, if they were talking about the future. Does that mean events are set in stone? If our reality is just a TV show to them, does that mean our choices don’t matter? Is free will a lie?”

“ The transmission log has an answer to that sir,” One of the scientist states.

“ Well, what are you waiting for spill it out for us!” General Hall demands.

“ To paraphrase, Bigelli says that, “we are the choices we make. Big events may be carved in stone but it’s the decisions that lead us there that have the biggest impact on the way things turn out. If it wasn’t for free will, us aliens wouldn’t have multiple earths as” … let me make sure I am reading this right… “nonfundable tokens?”” The scientist says moving his head back slightly to make sure he is reading it correctly.

“ Oh NFT’s I have 10 of those!” General Hall exclaims proudly as the room collectively faces palms.